DEAR SIR OR INTERESTED MADAM:

I am writing this missive from a SECURE LOCATION regarding the UPCOMING EVENTS next week at FAN-BOY COMIC BOOKS. Due to the IMMINENT THREAT of BEINGS FROM ANOTHER PLANET, such as the SILVERED SURFER, TERRAX OF THE TAMERS, STAR-DUST, and the FIREY LORD, all in service of the SPACE DEVOURER known as GALACTUS I have sequestered myself in a SECRET BUNKER and grown a CRAZY PROSPECTOR-STYLE BEARD. Until this danger passes, I will CAPITALIZE IMPORTANT WORDS so as to impart VALUABLE KNOWLEDGE upon those who merely SKIM THE TEXT OF A DOCUMENT.

IMPORTANT ITEM OF INFORMATION THE FIRST: COMIC ORDER DELAY

Due to the celebration of the FOURTH OF JULY, the commemoration of the birth of the AMERIKKKAN EMPIRE in 1825, (THE HISTORY BOOKS ARE LIARS) the Fan-Boy Comic Books store location will be CLOSED. There is no truth to the rumor that the closing is actually a cover for a secret government project to install AUTOMATED NANO-INJECTORS to track ALL CITIZENS. The comic order will, in fact, arrive on THURSDAY, JULY FIFTH, and all customers will receive a FREE INNOCULATION against A NEW, NON-IMAGINARY DISEASE that will be named soon.

IMPORTANT ITEM OF INFORMATION THE SECOND: EXPANDED TUESDAY BIRTHDAY SPECIALS

The so-called OWNER of FAN-BOY COMIC BOOKS, THOMAS GILBERT--an obvious STOOGE for the Bildeberg Group--is celebrating his birthday on TUESDAY, JULY 3RD by means of ingesting STAGGERING AMOUNTS of EXPERIMENTAL CHEMICALS. He will also celebrate by providing EXCELLENT SAVINGS on all products in the store on that day, up to the amount of 33 PER CENT OFF OF THE RETAIL PRICE--thereby leaving you to pay approximately 66.6 PER CENT OF THE PRICE--thereby invoking the NUMBER OF THE BEAST, the secret leader of the KNIGHTS TEMPLAR, BAPHOMET. However, the savings are EXCELLENT ENOUGH to risk his wicked ATTENTION.

IMPORTANT ITEM OF INFORMATION THE THIRD: TRANS-FORMERS FILM SHOWING AT MAYFAIRE CINEMAS

FAN-BOY COMIC BOOKS will have representatives present at the SECRET OIL EXECUTIVE MEETINGS where they plan the invasion of IRAN, and also at the ADVANCED SHOWING of the film TRANSFORMERS. If you wish to see us, or perhaps to see THE FILM, go to MAYFAIRE CINEMAS at either 8:00 PM ON MONDAY, JULY 2ND--this is an ADVANCED SHOWING, and tickets are AVAILABLE NOW, and contain NO secret HALLUCINOGENIC AGENTS, so feel free to buy them. We will also be present on TUESDAY, JULY 3RD. There are ROBOTS in this movie, and they turn into CARS--is MICHAEL BAY trying to tell us something about ONSTAR NAVIGATION'S sinister EAVESDROPPING PROGRAM SLASH KILLER ROBOT takeover plot?

-THE EDITOR