'Twas two days after christmas and trapped in the store,
The editor's tasks were becoming a chore.
The articles were done and the end was in sight,
But he still was required to judge all the fights!

So tired and bored, he opened his mail,
His ego and wit quickly getting frail.
Then he saw something that made him feel merry,
A Fanboy Fights entry from Morrison, Perry!

Well, if the Sinister Six looks so tough then why do they keep getting beaten by Spiderman? The Sinister Six keep forming a new union, but they still break apart. Now, the Seasonal Six look like they couldn't hurt a fly, but THEY ARE MAGIC!, Hello! They Sinister Six would probably cause a fight between themselves instead of the Seasonal Six, and all Santa would have to do would say On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On Vixon, On Comet, On Cupid, On Donner, And Blitzen and He would either A. Run Over the Sinister Six, B. Drop Hazardous Chemicals on them, or C. Both. They would get slashed by the miner dude anyway, so why do we have to talk.

The editor smiled and prepared to award
The win to young Perry 'cause damn, he was bored.
But unlucky he was, for he still felt some pang
Of actual ethics, so he said aloud, "Dang!"

"Fine," he sighed wearily, cursing himself,
And wishing perhaps he could enslave an elf.
But no, he could not, so he checked the next message,
The failure of which he could easily presage.

The Sinister Six goes to the North Pole to Steal the rare scientific gadgets that Santa will bring Reed Richards for Christmas. They begin their planned assualt on Santa's workshop, but villains can never get along and things go awry. Electro decides to take on the entire Seasonal Six himself, but is soon tackled by Frostie's grandfather and electricuted like he was in USM. Kraven and Vulture make their own runs at the group. The Vulture loses control of his iced wings, after Rudolph blinds him with his nose, and crashes in to a Christmas tree. Yukon Cornilieus, who has fought a Yeti, makes quick work of Kraven. The elves take care of the sorry Mysterio even quicker. As Sandman and Doc Oc make a dash for the workshop they come face to face with Saint Nic. Two against one would seem like good odds if you weren't fighting a man with super strength and speed. I figured he would have to have these to get all the presents arround the world in one night. Saint Nic rips off the Doctors extra arms. Then he uses them to scatter Sandman across the North Pole to keep everyone safe from the Sinister Six. The Seasonal Six wins.  

It was shockingly challenging, finding a rhyme,
For "Sorry, but try again next week Sean Grimes."
The editor moved on quickly, growing more terse,
And decided this time he would write just one verse.

Christmas time . A time for joy a time for cheer  the best holiday before the closing of the year. Or so it would appear.   [GAHHH must stop rhyming]

 

Location: The North Pole ,Santa's Work Shop

Time:  Christmas Eve

 

Kraven looks down from the snowy bank he was scouting on Watching the  little Elves toss bag after bag of  toys onto the back of a over sized Sleigh that cannot possible hold all that is being loaded onto it. Glancing back at the make shift camp  as Doc Ock  goes into the plans again.

 

"Alright as you all know ever since this civil war thing started we've been fairly well set up as enforcers of the law. Now from my understanding people are classifying  a One Chris Kringle as a unregistered mutant.  Along with a team he seems to have assembled . Two elves of considerable power that have some how managed to disrupt several  major united states  manufactures every year by creating more goods  than the company's  who's  business is mostly related to the holiday. A  flying reindeer with a bright red nose that seems to be a  serious peril to modern navigation over US air space. A woodsman with a strange ability to tame mythical monsters. And a snowman with some strange power to always know whats going on . Add these five to the strange measuring of good and evil and apparent phasing power of Mr. Kringle himself   and you have a worried government. "

 

"Stark himself has picked us because of our ability to work  better together than most of the others he has available. Kraven  have you anything   you wish to offer?"

 

"Best to Divide and take them down . I could really care less about the others but i want the woodsman.  Vulture perhaps would be suited to dealing with the flying one  and the others do as you wish.I

 

"Fine Mysterio  you go after the Snowman .Electro and sandman  take the elves  i will go after Kringle myself."

 

The villains move out Moving down to their respective tasks. Kraven running off into the woods  A pair of trained polar bears following suit. Sand man and Electro moving around  to take the elves from either side as they loaded the sleigh. Mysterio vanishing in a puff of smoke  to hunt down the snowman. Doc Ock sat on top of the hill watching down as the elves went back in side.

 

 

Loud screams and crashing and banging were heard from the work shop as sandman slipd in through a cracked window  Electro opting to simply break in the door. Static crackling and rhythmic smashing soon dieing down  to nothing with a last scream .

Ock smiled figuring they had finaly gotten something right  When a elf carrying a loaded bag opens the door tossing it onto the sleigh.

"What!?!"

 

Kraven was having problems . He had hunted game and people every where on earth with little to no problems  A simple wood cutter should not have been a problem. He swore coming across the second bear  this one half eaten  the other with its head nearly cut off by an Axe. And the movements of the bushes told him that something was tracking him  and it was close.

 

Mysterio on the other hand  was having issues of his own  he had incinerated ,blownup ,melted ,or gassed some where close to a hundred snowmen that had been randomly sitting in the Fields around the workshop and his bag of tricks and explosives was almost out  . and yet he was no closer to finding the  Snowman he hunted. Moving into a Field of three more he vaporized the middle on with a flash bang  and groaned with a bit of disappointment as the others did not so much as flinch. Looking past the two another Field beyond the trees had a dozen or so more. In disgust  he stormed over kicking one of the snow men down and stomping on its face cursing.

 

"Well that's not very nice . And what happens to those who are not very nice children?"

"What th....."

"CLANG!!"

The crowbar coming down shattering his domed helm stoped the rest of question as the second snowman tucked the bar back under his hat as Mysterio fell.

 

Doc Ock lifted his head as he heard  a girly scream  echo across the hills that sounded oddly like Kraven. Moving down  to  the work shop  to see what had happend  he wiped off the frost looking in side. Electro was tied to  a plank wires coming off of him  looking like he had just gone four rounds with the Thing. every so often a elf would come  over  attach a battery to him to charge up a dremil or a battery for a drink and wet dolly.

Sand man was in little better shape,hanging inside a giant zip lock bag  part of him was poured out every so often to fill a art sand kit or a sand box  before it was wraped.

 

Backing off to try and find the others  Ock stoped short as a sizzling  vulture crashed into the ground before him . Ducking down to check him  the barely conchess bird man muttered something about a laser nose before passing out in the snow.

 

This was becoming  a nightmare worse than the blasted spider man fiasco's that had happend in the past. It was time to leave turning to run he stoped short looking at a black boot atop a small rise before him. Adjusting his glasses and looking up to the jelly like belly of  Chris Kringle himself.

"HoHo Ho . you know Santa could use those arms of yours to help finish the rest of the gifts ."

 

Time : Christmas morning.

Location: Stark Tower

 

Stagering down the steps in his penthouse after the office bender last night  and hungover as all get out . Tony Stark wandered  down the steps  to where the insanely decorated tree he had payed people to put up for him stood. Stoping suddenly to see a rather unusual decoration  All six of the minions he had sent after Kringle Strung up from the rafters gaged with ribbon candy canes tinsel and a few size able fruit cakes. Along with a single package under the tree addressed to him . Ignoring the 6 a moment he  reached down to pick up the gift tearing it open. Before throwing it aside with disgust and storming to his cabnet for some more hooch.

The tiny voice of the Captin America doll  crying out over and over for the Avengers to assemble.

 Hey, look, an entry, now judging comes next!
There's no chance in hell I will read that much text.
Still, the award will be given to the one,
...Nevermind, I'm done rhyming.  Mike, you win.

Wow, what a great Fanboy Fight!  I sure do hate poetry!  Well, write in your entry for next week's fight, when you decide, who would win in a fight,

Send in your responses to fanboyfights@fanboycomics.biz, or post them on the forums!

Writer: Frank Tieri
Penciler: Staz Johnson
Inkers: Tom Palmer & Robin Riggs
Colorist: Ian Hannin
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Price: $3.99

The seventh year of the new millennium is nearly upon us, which can only mean that Marvel’s Civil War event should’ve been over about two months ago. But, come on, delays are delays. And when we look back at all this—after purchasing all the trades of the main series and infinite crossovers—none of the lag time is truly going to matter because what we’ve received is a pretty well-done story. There have been gripes and groans at retconning and mischaracterizations, but I just want a fun story at the end of the day. So far, Civil War has delivered.

The story is filmed with a wider lens with this one-shot that details one of the war’s sub-dermal battles. Just don’t be tricked by the ugly-as-sin cover. (Come on, Marvel; after all the effort put into the Civil War: Front Line and main series covers, why let this one float by on a crap-raft?) The nuanced and double-crossing story inside is worth the price of admission.

This is the story of the Kingpin’s involvement. Wilson Fisk may be locked up on Riker’s Island, but life behind bars isn’t keeping him away from the machinations of the criminal world. As if dealing with rival crime lords wasn’t enough, Kingpin wants in on the windfall that could be had by all this superhuman fighting, so he calls up Tony Stark for a sit-down. What starts out simply as a deal with his Iron Man and his “Super Human Task Force”—well, it’s the Kingpin, and as a well-seasoned gangster, things aren’t that simple. Allegiances change, folks get triple-crossed, and we end pretty much were we begin, with the Kingpin controlling all the players.

This book is a slow-burning read, so don’t let anybody spoil it for you. There are no major surprises and this one-shot doesn’t refer back to the main Civil War series, at least not as much as Punisher War Journal #1 did. But what this extended storyline does so well is offer something complete and fulfilling within the cover. Sure, the plot speeds up a bit at the end to make it all work (and the voice-over narration is pretty much a wasted feature), but Frank Tieri makes Kingpin a menacing figure that relies more on his cunning than his size (which does come in handy). Much of the story takes place in dark, back-room dealings, but when there is action it comes in fun, fast flourishes.

The art team on this book delivers without distraction—it’s a very solid job that, despite not breaking new ground, feels instantly classic. Staz Johnson delivers clean grit; the panel layout keeps the proceedings moving briskly. He manages to make intrigue more entertaining than it should be.

One of the story elements that makes Civil War so enjoyable is seeing the C-listers in on the action. This book continues that tradition, while delivering a story that isn’t necessary to read. It’s just a good one, Civil War tie-in or not.

RATING: 4/5

Writers: Brian Michael Bendis & Brian Reed
Penciler: Jim Cheung
Inker: Mark Morales
Colorist: Justin Ponsor
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Price: $2.99

Putting together six of the world’s greatest heroes, and giving them a mini-series? Come on, this stuff sells itself! If you checked out the Illuminati’s one-shot “Road to Civil War” prequel in May (which lead to both Civil War and Planet Hulk), then you know that Mr. Bendis delivers when he gets these characters together. With this mini, he’s going to look back at the blank spots in the organization’s past, filling in the adventure. It would be hard to screw this one up (but it could be done). It’s an Avengers Agents of Atlas.

This first issue focuses on the after-effects of the Kree-Skrull War. It was these six guys—Doctor Strange, Namor, Iron-Man, Mr. Fantastic, Black Bolt, Professor X—who upended the Skrull armada and ended that fight back in the 1970s. This issue takes place while the Skrull are readying another attempt at war on Earth. Sure enough, the Illuminati show up and ruin the plans. The plot here follows a cyclical structure: the fight ends pretty quickly upon a Skrull command ship, and during the Illuminati’s escape, a series of unfortunate events finds then back in Skrull imprisonment where we get to see how each of the heroes is exposed by the villains. Since this miniseries takes place in the past, and these guys are still running around fighting evil today, there are no major surprises; nobody dies (yet). This is like the Indiana Jones of comic adventures; a serialized look at past battles. Even though our heroes never age (they look the same now as they did in their 1970s heyday), it’s definitely entertaining to see them back at a time before Mark Millar went ahead and made things all serious.

This is Brian Michael Bendis’ world, and he knows it well. He has lots of fun with the story here; rather than beating the narrative down with long bouts of dialogue or pot-boiling, he keeps the action rolling for pretty much the entire issue. Familiar characterizations are here, most blatantly in the guise of Namor’s anti-hero status. Black Bolt quietly broods (out of necessity), and Iron Man leads heroically. The only major gripe here is that once a birthday-suited Iron Man finds himself out of his suit, he’s suddenly as powerful as he was before being armor-less. How does that work? While it’s nice to see him save the day without relying on his tech powers, there’s a sizable gap in logic. This can be forgiven, because Bendis turns in a thoroughly exciting affair. It’s a Comic, with a capital C.

Jim Cheung’s artwork is slam dunk throughout. Each page is essential with not one a throwaway. He makes each hero vulnerable, but not without also showing the Illuminati fully kicking alien ass. The Skrull are like Star Trek villains: well-equipped but completely outclassed. The Skrull shape-shifting ability comes into use, but it’s no match for Doctor Strange’s abilities. We all want these heroes to win. That’s the point of this series. Just give us the highlights!

This is a bombastic first issue, and with only four more to go, each one needs to be big and explosive. There might not be any major revelations to come, but what’s wrong with that? Every comic should be this fun.

RATING: 4.5/5

Writer: Garth Ennis
Artist: Steve Dillon
Colorists: Matt Hollingsworth & Pamela Rambo (Vol. 2)
Publisher: DC/Vertigo
Price: $14.99 Each

One of my college roommates, Greg, would only go to our comic shop once a month because there was a single title he was reading: Preacher. He had the first half of the series in trade, and the rest in single issue format, right up until the end at issue #66. While I was spending my time and comics cash grabbing variant covers of nascent Dreamwave Productions (R.I.P.) series, Greg only read Preacher (and the occasional Garth Ennis Punisher book). He was smarter than me, clearly, because we both wanted a great comic book experience, but he was in the right place and I was chasing waterfalls. When I asked Greg about Preacher, all he said was, “It’s so good. You should read it.” I was dismissive. I was stupid. Greg should’ve been more insistent.

Once it was announced that HBO would be producing a Preacher series, I wanted to be sure to read the seminal series before I watched an adaptation of the seminal series. What I have found this far—after only reading the first two trade volumes (collecting issues #1-17), mind you—is a comic experience that is hilarious, frightening, grotesque, confounding, engrossing, off-putting and unapologetically violent. Many pages feature each attribute at the same time. These first two trades feel like a 50-issue experience in themselves, simply because the writing and artwork offer such a thoroughly fascinating experience.

If you know nothing of Preacher, just know this: it’s foremost the tale of Jesse Custer (the titular character), a down-and-out and disenchanted man of God who becomes one with a heavenly power that is the offspring of an angel and a demon. This power gives him strengths equal to that of the Man Upstairs, who has since abandoned his earthly creation and all its inhabitants. It’s Custer’s mission to find God and discover why the celestial father gave up. During his journey, Custer’s accompanied by his ex-lover Tulip O’Hare, and an Irish vampire by the name of Cassidy. In these first two trade volumes, the triumvirate runs afoul of everyone from a heavenly assassin to a serial killer to a bacchanalian sex addict to murderous inbred holy rollers. This is a rogues gallery of the highest order.

What I find so entrancing about Preacher is that I’m never offered what I want. Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon consistently defy expectation. Ennis, who’s continuing this tradition is his current series The Boys, is unrepentantly foul, yet each vulgar situation he forces upon our heroes manages to reach for a larger discussion, be it of religious conspiracy or sexual deviancy. And Ennis plays to hidden desires for such storytelling. His characters can be purely vulgar and off-putting, so much so that when one—the sex fiend Jesus de Sade—has a fistful of brown sludge, I immediately believe it to be quite different substance than the chocolate ice cream it turns out to be. Garth Ennis has twisted me into a creep! And I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a fun ride.

Steve Dillon’s artwork on this series is so over-the-top, so exuberant that even when there’s splatter-violence, it’s difficult not to smirk. His characters are gravelly and harsh, their faces both playful and malicious. When a punch connects with a chin, teeth always go flying, and when there’s a gun shot, the exit wound is always ghastly. The images are the cleanest extension of the words, both reflecting each other seamlessly and humorously. What other title would allow an artist such opportunity in illustrating the taboo? Each issue is a roller coaster of location, character and—again—big violence.

I’m on vacation now, and I didn’t plan on the velocity with which I’d blaze through these first trades. Sure enough, every book store and comic shop I’ve stepped in to in order to grade volume 3 has been sold-out. And now my curse is to wait.

RATING: 5/5