Director: David Slade

Horror movies are half funny/half scary. They are funny because they make you uncomfortable, so you laugh as a reaction. They are scary because most horror movies are showing you things you really, really don't want to see in real life. For example: I never want to be driving a car and see a dude run up to it and jump on my roof. I never want to hide in an attic for a week without a shower. I never want to watch as people I know and love are eaten by vampires. That doesn't sound fun to me. That almost sounds unfun. 30 Days of Night: the Movie is scary at times and funny at times. At its best, it is a scary movie that keeps you completely on edge. At its worst, it's another silly vampire movie. There's a reason why it falls into that latter trap, which I will gladly explain in due time.

First, the movie. Like the comic, the movie's premise is pretty bad-ass. Because of the Earth's rotation, certain parts of the world don't see the sun for weeks at a time. There are also these same places that have constant sunlight, but no one gives a hoot about seeing the sun all the time. But vampires? They love the idea of a place being dark, where nothing can hurt them and they can feast to their hearts content. All the cellphones are taken. The satellite dishes are destroyed. You can't even get on the internet! The horror! Then, once everyone is trapped in the dark, they feast one at a time. There is a scene in the movie where they show the vampires feasting on the town's folk, with the townsfolk running in absolute terror. I'll be honest. It was a little too much. The scene lasted for about two minutes. Normally, scenes like that last about thirty seconds. It was unnerving. David Slade has this strange ability to make every scene uncomfortable. Everybody looks horrible and creepy. Reverse walking, dialogue, and sound effects all make for some tense moments.

Another thing that was unnerving was the fact that you never actually see the vampires until about quarter of the way through. This has an amazing effect. You don't know what is coming, or how it is coming. All you see are teeth, claws, grey heads. Hitchcock knew that what you didn't see scared you the most. A good director plays this up as long as you can. Personally, I don't think there should have ever been a moment when we saw the vampires. Not fully. When we saw them, it was a disappointment. This is a great time to bring this up. Why, why, why! Why do all vampires have to look gothic? Why the black trench coats? Why the dark clothes? Why do vampires have to look like they just came from a damn rave? It makes no sense to me. What, so if I'm bitten by a vampire, I have to go to Hot Topic in the mall and buy those jengo pants with the loops and rock those stupid lacey shirts? Its dumb and I'm really, really sick of it. Somebody, please, make a vampire movie where vampires don't look like rejects from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was played out twenty years ago. The Lost Boys looked cooler than the vampires in 30 Days of Night. Actually, come to think of it, the Lost Boys were the coolest vampires ever. Done and done. Anyway. Sorry.

The movie also does a pretty good job of being somewhat realistic. If you had to deal with vampires, you wouldn't be fighting these things. You'd get your butt kicked. This was good. The townspeople had to rely on other things to survive, like hiding. But, just like in the comic, that became problematic. The movie uses the suspense of when the people would die to keep it going. You know they are going to get it. You just wait for it. After about an hour it gets a bit old. Tons of running and hiding just doesn't translate as good as it should on the silver screen. A lot of characters sacrifice themselves. It's boring the third time. Even though you are asking yourself what you would do in such a situation, the answering of the question on the screen doesn't live up to the question itself. And half the time there are little children just thrown into the mix to make the scenes even more stressful. It works, but only for a few minutes. Then you don't care.

The ending is a bit forced. Just like the comic, the main character has to turn into a vampire to stop the bad vampires. I mean, really? Is that what has to be done? The ideal of sacrifice is sung a bit much here. The hero wins the day, but he dies at the end. That doesn't feel like an ending. If feels like a lack of one. Any one moron can sacrifice himself for the greater good. A real hero actually makes it out the crapper alive. Yeah, I'm talking a bunch of smack for a guy not in the situation. But it's a movie. In real life? I don't know. I'd probably just fart in their faces. It has stopped things far more evil than vampires. Trust me.

RATING: 4/5

Writer: Frank Tieri
Penciller: J. Calafiore
Letterer: Steve Wands
Publisher: DC Comics
Price: $2.99

More DC limited series stuff. Sigh.

Like all the limited runs that DC is pumping out, pumping out like rabbits, this has something to do with the Countdown. How can I tell? Because the focus is on the villains, and the heroes dealing with them. Apparently, the Penguin has set up an underground railroad to help villains escape jail time and the Bat. There are also some underground gambling rings in Gotham, specializing in betting on which Superhero will win which fight. And the Suicide Squad, with Bane in tow, is capturing all of Gotham's bad guys one by one. Oh, and there is a new bad guy in town, Tobias Whale. And he might be the only reason you'll want to buy this book.

The writing is actually pretty good. The dialogue seems tight and what the characters say seems true to how they are. It's the plot that isn't working for me. Maybe I'm just out of the loop, but I'm not a fan of these cartoon-like characters playing in the Batman Universe. I just can't take them seriously. It is almost like Two Face and the Scarecrow and the Riddler are too stupid and silly looking to be hanging out with the Dark Knight. He deserves real villains. That's why I sort of like the new Tobias Whale character. He's fat, he's evil, and he's calculating. Hopefully the only reason this book is being printed is to present this new player into our ranks. We'll have to wait and see how the book handles him and the subsequent gang war. But, so far, so good.

The art by J. Calafiore is very much welcome. I love this guy. His work on Aquaman was some of the best times ever, and it is nice to see him tied to a series, even if it is this short. There is something about his lines, or the way he angles the action that just engages me. I can't call it, but I'll keep getting this book as long as he's doing the penciling.

The only way this book is a must read is if it ties to the Countdown and the Final Crisis crap. But, really, how long is this going to go on? DC has been teasing about this stuff for way too long. Put up or shut up time, guys. This has to be the longest buildup to a story ever. Let us all hope, for DC's sake, that it pays off.

RATING: 4/5

Writer: Christos Gage
Artist: Darick Robertson
Colors: Tony Avina
Publisher: Wildstorm/ DC Comics
Price: $2.99

I fondly remember when the Original Authority series started under the brilliant power of Warren Ellis and Bryan Hitch. Those were the days. When you cracked open Authority #1, you knew that you were reading something new and powerful, that would change the face of comics. Of course, nothing Warren Ellis did is any different than what Alan Moore did in the Watchmen. Ellis only made the concept of a superhero ruling class a popular and entertaining theme. People were ready for something new. Marvel and DC have been trending water for years. And every attempt that Marvel and DC tried to make their comics on par with the Authority ended up being a pale and easily recognizable copy. Once Warren Ellis finished his twelve issue run, he left like the smart man he is. Mark Millar tried and failed at keeping the book as awesome as it was, sorry to say. And it looks like that failing tradition is continuing here in Authority Prime.

The story starts with the Authority fighting (another) monster coming out the bleed. They repel it easily enough, showing us who is on the team and what their roles are. Swing left and we get the new and revamped StormWatch, with an all new Weatherman. For those who don't know, the old Weatherman was a bit of a bastard and tried to rule the world a few times. He was taken care of, and now his son is in charge of all that information that his father was gathering. Apparently the original Weatherman had a secret in the Arizona desert. Its something the StormWatch team wants and something the Authority wants to keep them away from.

This book feels like an active attempt by the Wildstorm editorial department to rebuild the Wildstorm universe. I respect that, sort of. Somewhat. Most people didn't read Wildcats 2.0 and that's a damn shame because it was one of the best Wildstorm books on the market. It was in depth, different and wholly original. The Authority Prime is not wholly original. It is the same thing we've read over and over again. It's not different. It is only interesting if you've kept up with the different aspects of the Authority and Stormwatch over the years. You can basically guess the plot and skip over this book and you won't miss a damn thing.

Darick's art is disappointing, too. Its not the clean, crisp lines of his Transmetropolitan run. These lines are thick and heavily inked. Link this up to some very goopy coloring and you've got a book that just doesn't look good. I know that Darick Robertson is an amazing artist. I love his work. But he's not firing on all cylinders here.

A new Authority book is much needed and I want it to happen very much. But there needs to be a wait until we can get a creative team that actually wants to do it, and are willing to put in the work to make it great again. Wildstorm is right in assuming that another Authority book will sell. But they are wrong in assuming that fans will buy issue #2 if it is lacking the creativity of the original series. For die-hard Authority fans only.

RATING: 4/5

Artists and Writers: J. Vasquez and J. Goldberg.
Publisher: SLG Publishing
Price: $8.95

What the hell is this? I check my box for this week's comics to review and I get this thing? Exactly what is it? It feels like a comic book but reads like a nightmare out of hell. Here is a section from the book.

Dude: I'm talking about the Old Gods what walked this world before all other life.

Dude2: In some parallel dimension bordering ours, huh?

Dude: No! They're in my pants!

Ok, I have a problem with this. On the first level, I have a major problem with any and everyone referring to any and everything in side or around anyone's pants. Two. What? Gods? In pants? What happened to good ol' action comics? Whatever happened to that?

Jellyfist is an experiment in story telling. Vasquez wrote these really vague, strange scripts and Goldberg would draw them, but making the vague parts super strange, but still try and get the story right. What would happen to a comic if the writer left the artist completely up to his or her own devises? It would equal Jellyfist, and it would equal weird. Men become pregnant, things grow inside trousers, men video tape people doing the do on video tape and then going back in time. My head hurts just thinking about thinking about this.

I like it, though. It reminds me of the kind of comic I used to want to write. I've given up trying to break through the comic writing mold. I would still love to do it, but I have other aspirations now. If I were to produce a comic, it would be a lot like this weird little wonder. The strange and weird ideas and concepts that float in this comic really makes it much more engaging than the standard, run of the mill comic. It is very offensive and tough to deal with some times, but it is always uber-funny, which most offensive things usually are.

This book isn't for the young people, so don't give it to Little Billy for Christmas. And the price might be hard to shallow. At nine bucks, it is going to be really hard to convince people to give this comic a try. If you're into experimentation and are eager to see the other side of the comic world, grab this book. It'll teach you a thing or two, and that's always a good thing.

RATING: 4.Weird/5