Ultimate Iron Man II #1
Writer: Orson Scott Card
Artist: Pasqual Ferry
Colorist: Dean White
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Price: $2.99
Last week, I was very harsh to the Ultimates 3 #1. I wish I could have been harsher, especially after reading Ultimate Iron Man II #1. Obviously, Marvel has people in their employ that can write, and write well. Dear Jeph Loeb, stop phoning in issues. You wrote The Long Halloween! God! Anyway, Orson Scott Card and Pasqual Ferry do some good work here. But, sadly, they could do way better.
Ultimate Iron Man's history is really strange. Apparently, his father did something to him in the womb, making Tony Stark's brain inter-worked through his entire body. A crazy side effect is that he is super sensitive to his environments and he can regrow any part of his body. Thus, why he is so smart and why he is able to manipulate the Iron Man armor. His high-profile exploits draw attention from the US Government. Tony loans them his skills to help clean out a terrorist camp, with Rodney the "War Machine" riding shotgun. But things get complicated when children get involved, strapped with bombs. There's always something.
The art of this book pulls a lot of weight. The coloring is amazing and Pasqual's storytelling ability always impresses me. The story feels extremely rushed, especially the beginning. And I'm not really sure why Iron Man's history has to be so convoluted. Why can't a guy just have a heart condition, a drinking problem, and some badass armor? Isn't that enough? Card does a good job with what he has, but I do think that Stark says yes to the government a bit too quickly. I also think its interesting that War Machine isn't mentioned in the Ultimates series at all. Does he die? How? That's what I'm reading for.
This is a good issue, but I'm not sure what the Ultimate comics are doing, or who is guiding them. The whole mess needs re-construction, before it gets so complicated that Marvel will have to start an Ultimate-Ultimates book. The Ultimate line was created to get newcomers into comics without bogging them down with back-story and continuity. That was a happy dream, but it's gone now. Hopefully, Marvel can get the line back to its roots, and soon.
RATING: /5
Bat Lash #1
Writer: Peter Brandvold and Sergio Aragones
Artist: John Severn
Publisher: DC Comics
Price: $2.99
I was at the Fanboy corporate offices the other day when Mac, the tall dude that hates the world, commented that I was black and that black people don't like Westerns. This isn't racist. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the extreme byproduct of that horror that is public education. Whatever. I DO hate westerns. Mainly because they make absolutely no sense. People weren't riding around on horses killing everybody. That's just not true. The US Government did round up all the Native Americans into forced camps. That is absolutely true. So, when I sat down to read Batlash, I fell asleep. It is better than warm milk!
The story goes something like this: Batlash is in love with this chick. The sheriff wants the chick to be in love with him. The sheriff and his "pose" almost hang Batlash. But then a group of "Comanches" save him, because one of them owes him a debt. The cowboys call the Native Americans "dog-eaters", which sort of sounds good, when I think about it. So then the Sheriff kidnaps the girl and tosses her into a cabin and tells her to start washing them dishes and making his babies. Riveting. One of the year's best films.
This entire story is about two guys wanting some blonde shorty. Boring. I'm sorry, boys and girls, but there are more important things than booty. And I'm not really sure that fanboys are going to want to read four issues of this. The worse part is that Batlash, the freaking hero, does absolutely nothing heroic the entire issue. He basically screams and yells, then grins like a little girl all the time. Two writers had to write this? Really? Were they playing Halo 3 at the time? The art is capable, if not a bit dull. I blame this more on the unskilled writing than the artist. If you have to read a comic about cowboys, and you happen to be locked in a basement with this issue, you should use it for toilet paper until the rescuers come. Or you can eat it.
RATING: /5
The Darkness #1
Writer: Phil Hester
Artist: Michael Broussard
Publisher: Top Cow/ Image
Price: $2.99
I'm not the biggest Darkness fan, but I respect the storyline and I respect the characters. I sort of respect them. If the Darkness was a sweatshirt, I wouldn't wear it every day. I probably would never wear it. But I wouldn't give it to a friend either. That metaphor fell flat. Sorry. I'm writing this early and Cyrus puts a lot of pressure on me! Anyway, a new Darkness series is primed and ready to take your dollars. Should you read it? Um, yes and no.
So, the Darkness has crossed the border to escape his crazy past, with all that killing and stuff. He takes over a rotten Latina government and places himself as leader. Of course, rebels try to take him out, and he deals with them Darkness style! The locals love him. The women want to wed him. The Darkness' powers are evolving. His darkness constructions can last without him being near them, and he can make drugs out of it, fueling his new empire. On top of all this is a female character named Elle, tied to the Darkness somehow? Can he finally get some of the loving? Do they dance around like in that movie Dirty Dancing: Havana nights?
The only thing that bothers me about this book is the art. It has that old school Image feel to it, where all the girls have impossible figures and all the dudes look like Gap models. And the Darkness design is way, way outdated. He looks ridiculous. He just looks silly. The recently released Darkness video game had him in regular gangster clothing with darklings roaming around him. A bit cliché, but it is way better than this gray and gold mess they put him in. It is just old looking and deserves a complete revamp, or at least some effort.
Phil Hester is an amazing writer, and this book is sure to be a quick favorite for Darkness fans. But I don't think there is enough here to draw in new fans and readers. The introduction is easy to follow, and the story is clear. But the Darkness has always been a niche, something that only certain comic readers are gonna want to keep up with. Try the Darkness. You might like it. Like Native American prepared western-styled dogs.
RATING: 4/5
Well, 2007 is more or less over, so I think it's completely fair for me to write my year-end wrap-up. I mean, it's not like one of the issues in the next two weeks could be the worst comic issue of the whole year, right? (Right now I am looking really hard at the last issue of One More Day coming out in two weeks.) Anyway, I've set up my own little awards since, well, I'm incredibly smug and arrogant. So strap yourself in and get ready to ride the sonic soundscape from late 2007 all the way back to early 2007! Except without the sounds.
Civil War was a great idea. That's more or less all the praise I can give it at this point because, even though everyone had great plans for what they were going to do in the aftermath, nobody gave any thought to what they were going to do while the whole thing was going on. Books just kind of tread water, and the most important parts of the series contradicted each other. ("These prisons are a temporary measure that will be permanent!") Then, the whole thing was delayed, and then issue 6 turned out to have absolutely nothing happen in it, and I made some snotty parodies of the whole thing--so Civil War 7 really needed to bring the whole thing to a satisfying conclusion to make up for it.
What we got was Captain America breaking down in tears after The Heroes of 9-11™ tackled him and gaving him a stern talking-to.
Great.
I loved Spider-Man 3, especially the terrible parts. I mean, the part where Harry gets amnesia and becomes more or less retarded? Not in a sort of metaphorical sense or whatever, but actually, literally, DSM-IV defined developmentally disabled? Or the part where Sam Raimi shows his disdain for Venom by having him fall out of the sky onto Spider-Man completely at random? Or the dance number? Or any of the parts where Peter Parker has the Trent Reznor hair and makeup? Or the part where Harry says, "SOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD"? Or when Spider-Man jumps in front of the American flag in a startling display of subtlety?
Those where awesome.
I love Grant Morrison. I think that he's brilliant. I think that he is probably the greatest writer working in mainstream superhero comics right now.
BUT.
This was crazy. You have the Joker break out of Arkham and you establish the new Joker and you do it in a prose story?
With 3D-rendered illustrations?
Good lord, Grant Morrison, I know that you claim to have been abducted by aliens in Australia because you went there to be abducted by aliens and then they told you to write the Invisibles, but this issue of Batman is probably the craziest idea you've ever had.
Yeah, normally this award would be easily won by Wizard magazine, but I don't think there's anything about comics in it anymore. It's almost laughably transparent how much they want to be about movies and video games and hang out at the cool kids' lunch table and talk about Halo and Saw IV or whatever the crap, but nobody wants to talk to them, so they just talk to comics people who have had opportunities to work on it. If you think these year-end awards have goofy categories, take a look at Wizard's. Has there ever been an awards category more B.S. than "Best New Face"? The answer: no, there has not. You just wanted to show us a picture of that hot blonde chick who's playing Supergirl so that way we won't think you're gay, didn't you, Wizard? Well, guess what. We all know. You might as well just admit it--you're comics magazine for nerds who like comics. We won't judge you.
Sort of like how you no longer judge any comics in your trade paperback reviews. "The Hate-Monger rallies a group of Neo-Nazis to patrol America's borders in this adrenaline-fueled story. But hostilities really heat up when Frank Castle shows up as the self-proclaimed new Captain America!" is not a review. Hell, it's only two sentences because you decided to improperly use a conjunction.
What? He's always good.
Oh, that picture of him in a derby is from his wedding. You should really check out the rest of that outfit, if you get a chance. Google it or something, I don't know.
So, you come up with perhaps one of the most eye-catching marketing campaigns in years. You've got these great images that hint at amazing plotlines with simple, memorable phrases. "Jimmy Olsen Must Die." "The Seduction of the Innocent." "Darkseid Rules." And what do we get as a result?
We get to spend $2.99 a week to find out that everything is exactly the same as it was last week except for whatever happened in Amazons Attack. When your only character development 26 weeks in has been a fall to evil that would make Hayden Christensen go, "Hey, maybe you could make that a little more believable," you might be doing something wrong. Like, say, everything. It's like editorial saw 52 and was like, "You know why this was a huge success? Because it was about minor characters and it was weekly."
"If only there had been more editorial interference, it might have been great."
I keep telling myself, It's not his fault. How was he supposed to know? But, it doesn't work. Let me tell you the story:
Word on Newsarama the night before had been that something big happened in Captain America #25. So, I stayed away from everything that looked like it might spoil something. The next morning, I didn't listen to the radio at all on my way to work, and I told Jackson to say nothing except to let me know when he pulled the issue out of the boxes so I could read it. I did everything possible to avoid spoilers.
Then the phone rang and I, like the idiot I am, picked it up.
"Fanboy Comics," I said.
"Do you guys have the issue where Captain America dies?"
"..."
I've seen some of Chaykin's earlier stuff. It's okay. Now, though? His work is terrible.
If it weren't for the haircut, the outfit, and the other Green Lantern paraphenalia, you could not tell if that was Guy Gardner, Wolverine, a caucasian Blade, or any of the female characters in that comic. The highest praise I can give that Guy Gardner miniseries is that Howard Chaykin wrote it so well I could tolerate looking at his art.
It's an H.P. Lovecraft sitcom, with art by Ben Templesmith.
What the hell else could you possibly want?
$21.99
$29.99
$34.95
$19.99
$13.99
Alan Moore's Songbook
Reality Fanzine #2
